Wow these past 10 years have been wild haven’t they my love. They really have. The best years partying (a little too) hard at uni, landing your dream job, a couple of broken hearts, starting about 20 businesses’ and a whole lot of fake friends eh?
As your older, slightly wiser self can I give you a few little words of advice? I know it is a little patronising of me, but you really have spent far too much time online, overthinking, over controlling and being ridiculously hard on yourself and I would love to help you see how fucking silly all of that is.. You are good at that self sabotage thing aren’t you?
Just a few things, promise!
Having a good body will not make you loved.
You my love, will not be loved or liked more by men, your friends and random people you actually don’t even know if you have collar bones that pop and an 8 pack. You would get so much more out of life if you took as many photos of the world and the beautiful things that go on around you then you do of your body each morning when you wake up to see how much it has (defo hasn’t) changed overnight. You would get so much more love and joy out of life if you spent 3 hours a day with loved ones, reading and learning instead of exercising. Not to mention the additional time you spend thinking about exercising. You do not need to go to the gym twice, sometimes 3 times a day, when you are my age you will pay for it - trust me. A couple of times a week will do the trick, promise. Please start to see that you are so beautiful inside that body of yours, you have such a bright, giving, loving soul that has so much to give but it is rotting because you aren’t looking after it, you aren’t nourishing it - you are punishing it. Your body is literally screaming at you with those injuries, the bloating, the acne, the depression, the hormone imbalances and the food intolerances. Screaming at you to love it more, nourish it better, move it with more love and look after it. Honey, she is literally begging you, trying to tell you she isn’t happy and is breaking but you aren’t listening to my love.
It is ok to ask for help.
When that doctor gave you the letter to see a therapist, there was no shame there. You didn’t need to ignore it, or feel ashamed and embarrassed, there was nothing wrong with you. You were a young girl, who had been hurt badly and came into this world with a shit show of a start, it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to need help. There is no shame in needing help. Please take the help, please pick that letter out of the bin and go and take advantage of that free support. ( You are going to spend a fortune on it later let me tell you that so you are going to wish you took the freebie). One day you, yourself will actually be there helping others, encouraging them to speak up and face their traumas, can you believe it? So please do it for yourself now. You aren’t meant to be strong all the time, figure it out all by yourself and support everyone around you. There is no weakness to your vulnerability - it will not make you a failure. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to not be ok. There is no failure in your sadness. You have not failed.
Friendships are actually about liking people - Quit being friends with people you don’t like.
You really don’t need to say yes to everyone, it is impossible to be liked by everyone. I wish you would ask yourself if you even like that person before you put them so high on that pedestal. Before you break your back bending over to try and please them. Your worth isn’t defined by how many people like you, what's important is how much you like you. Please spend more time learning to like yourself than you do others. Please spend more time hanging out with yourself than you do with people who aren’t bringing you joy. Gossip and bitching isn’t cool, it doesn’t affect that person, it affects you. They are emotions that keep you at a low vibe, that make you feel icky. Walk away when there is gossip, it isn’t serving you . The people you surround yourself with, will quite literally change the direction of your life and what is available to you.
On that note
Saying NO does not make you the devil.
You are allowed to say no, it doesn’t make you a bad person. People pleasing isn’t necessary. Those that keep needing/wanting/requiring from you and make you feel bad when you say no are not people that value you. How can they value you, if you don’t value you? There is a very fine line between giving and helping and saying yes to everything. You are exhausted, you are giving so much away to others but not giving anything to yourself. Please say no, please start to only say yes to things that feel like a full body yes all over. You have let so many of your dreams pass you by, because you have been pleasing others.
Forgiveness will save you, not them
My love, you have been holding on to so much anger for years now, let it go. Forgiving all of those guys who broke your heart, won’t let them off the hook, it will help you move on and see the beauty in the experiences. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean defeat, it means you will find your peace. Forgiving your dad for dying won’t bring him back no, but it will let you move forwards. I know it feels easier to hold on to the anger, to avoid the feelings, to be ignorant to your part to play but I promise you, letting it go and forgiving, will set you free. Nobody said you had to forget, but forgive.
Some alone time will do you the world of good.
You have spent over 10 years in relationships, it will really do you some good to have some time on your own. Yes you have dated some fuckboys, yes it hurts and yes a lot of them did wrong by you. But playing the victim won’t set you free. You have a part to play babe, they aren’t all to blame. Your old wounds and own insecurities had a role in the outcome of those relationships. You weren’t ready to be in those relationships and some time alone will do you the world of good. Face what triggers you, ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. Find out more about who you are ( away from them). The best thing you can do for yourself, is get to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you light up and what it truly is that YOU want from life, from work, from your relationships. You have spent so much time being who everybody else wants you to be, or who you think you should be to be liked and loved more, to be the perfect friend, the perfect partner - but who actually are you?
Situations that hurt you = growth
Urgh babe, I know it is gross. It sucks, it hurts but where there is pain - growth and all that. I wish you could see that every set back you face, every challenge that comes your way and every bit of pain you feel, is there to help you grow. Grow into the strong woman you will become. It will be your fight that gives you purpose to help others, it will shape you to know more and become the best possible version of you. Each bit of pain has a lesson attached to it. A teacher, a move in a new direction, a new opportunity a lesson, it all makes sense, I know right now it just hurts, let it hurt but trust - it is all part of the plan
Quit watching pretty woman - the fairytale doesn’t exist.
Please stop watching romcom after romcom babe, all it is doing is giving you false expectations of what life is really about and making you put stuff on a pedestal so that nothing real ever feels good enough. Love isn’t a fairytale ending when a man comes to save you. You will learn that love is home, it is comfort. It just happens, It feels easy, it doesn’t come with the frills, fireworks and a drunk guy knocking at your door whilst you are holidaying in a cottage over christmas having taken part in a house swap with a snazzy american. I am not saying happy endings aren’t available to you, I am saying it isn’t always an ending with bells and frills. Happiness, love, abundance is available to you - more than you know but take it off the pedestal and let yourself let things in that are magic in their own way.
YOU ARE FUCKING ENOUGH AND THE ONLY PERSONS APPROVAL YOU NEED IS YOUR OWN
Yeah, the caps locks are on here because I am shouting at you babe! Please quit giving everyone else permission to decide your worthiness. Please quit doing things so that other people see you, validate you, approve of you. The only person's approval you need is your own, the only person who needs to see you - is you. You are whole and complete as you are, you are enough regardless of how that date goes, how many likes that post gets and how many calories you eat in a f*cking day. You are worthy whether you dumped him or he dumped you, she wanted to hang out with you or someone else - you are still worthy. You were born worthy. You got the worthy stamp at birth too, not just her, so quit comparing yourself to what she has and what she looks like and start giving yourself attention. Stop worrying about all that you don’t have and start giving more energy and focus to the things in your life that you do have, the things that make you smile, feel good and light you up.
You are going to make it out of this shit show babe I promise. You will make it to the other side, where you feel at home in yourself and every single one of those tears you have cried over the last 10 years will make perfect sense. Each tear will have shaped you, moved you in a new direction and you will be so grateful for every single experience. Quit trying to figure it all out, let go and let it all fall into place.
I am so grateful to you, for giving me the strength, resilience and hope that I have now, I honor spending time with you for those years and know that without them, I would not be living a fulfilled life I live right now, one that I used to cry myself at night dreaming about. Some of my fondest memories, saddest moments, biggest achievements and lessons came out of you and for that I am eternally grateful.
You are unfolding just as you are meant to, smile a little more, love a little harder and stop being so hard on yourself, you are beautiful and you are worthy.
Your 31 year old, a little more wobbly, wrinkly but wiser self xoxo
